The Purity Test
by Alaina Downs
Summary: Reader request: Alice and Hatter spend a rainy day taking a purity test that Alice's friends have downloaded on Facebook. The answers to the questions lead to new revelations on both sides as they go through the questions to see who is the less pure.
1. Chapter 1 Questions 1 to 12

The Purity Test

**Author's Note: This is for Brumeier who requested I write this way back when I finished **_**Firsts**_**. I intended this to be a simple one shot, but thanks to Lady Irish Rose, the number of questions has expanded into much more than I previously envisioned. This is going to be chapter one of four, and hopefully this story will make people laugh, and maybe cringe here and there. After discussions with the two lovely ladies mentioned above, I am putting this as an M just because of the topics that Alice and Hatter discuss. Thank you everybody who has stuck with me ever since **_**Firsts **_**was first posted late last year, and don't forget to let me know what you think of this one! **

Chapter One: Questions 1-12

At first Hatter tried to ignore it. The tiny giggle that emanated from Alice as she drew the laptop closer against her on the couch.

The giggle turned into a laugh, and then a guffaw. A loud guffaw that had Alice flinging her head back; her eyes closed as tears ran down her cheeks.

Hatter lowered his book, giving one look over at the window. Nothing but rain, and dark skies. "What's so funny?"

"I…what?" Alice snickered ungracefully before turning her attention over to Hatter. "What did you say?"

He smiled. "You. What's so funny?"

"Oh, it's…" Alice shook her head. "One of my friends, she posted this purity test on Facebook. Their results are just hilarious."

"A what?"

"Oh, I guess you never heard of them, right?"

"No, I…I suppose the closest thing to a purity test in Wonderland was if there was a barrier as one fucked a new girl." Hatter grinned, and raised his eyebrows. "But, that's not really what you meant, yeah?"

Alice stared at him. "Um…no. And…really?"

"Well…" Hatter shrugged. "I mean, it was kind of exciting to find that. Most of the girls in Wonderland were kind of hard up, well, at least the ones I slept with."

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed, exasperated.

Hatter winced. "Okay, maybe too far there, yeah? Anyways, you were saying?"

She glowered at him for a moment before shaking her head. "Yes, well, it's not an actual test. I mean, this one is quite silly because all the acts have a monetary value. So, basically, the more money you have at the end…the less pure you are."

"Oh. I would be an instant millionaire."

Alice turned one eye towards him. "There aren't enough questions to make you a millionaire. Maybe you'll have a hundred dollars."

"How many questions are there?" he asked.

She scrolled down, ticking them off with her fingers. "A very odd number of forty four. That's weird. You would've thought they could've given us fifty or something."

Hatter dog-eared the corner of the page he was reading, and placed the book on the coffee table. "Let's do it."

"The test? You want to take the test?" Alice shook her head. "But, it's so silly."

He shrugged. "It's raining outside. I mean, I suppose we could have sex again, yeah?"

She chuckled. "Fine. We can take the test, and then have sex. Good?"

"Or…or…we can have sex, take the test, and then have sex again," Hatter pointed out.

Alice put the laptop down next to the book on the coffee table, and got up to grab a notebook from the desk. "No, no. Now you got me curious." She grinned, and started to write numbers down the side of the sheet with the awarded amount next to it. "Okay, so by each question I'll put the initial of whoever says yes, so I can add the whole thing up when we're done."

Hatter smirked. "I'll be rich."

"We'll see…" Alice pulled the laptop back up. "Are you ready?"

He nodded, and adjusted his brown fedora. "Bring it on."

"First question: have you ever had sex?"

"Um…yes, and so have you. I believe the last time was two hours ago."

Alice rolled her eyes. "There's going to be obvious ones here and there, but, it's a ten dollar question, so…yes." She turned her attention back to the screen. "Have you ever smoked?"

Hatter pursed his lips. "Smoked what?"

"I think they just mean cigarettes."

"Well…of course. Cigarettes, mushrooms, toast bugs-"

Alice stared up at him. "Toast bugs? What the hell are those?"

"Exactly what I said. Bugs that look like toast. You grind them up, and roll them…gives you an erection for hours," he replied. "I would only smoke one if wanted to have that much sex."

"So…Wonderland has bug Viagra?"

"Well-"

"Okay, then. My answer in case you are curious, is yes. There were a couple of times in college."

Hatter grinned. "Bad girl, but, I think you must've looked quite sexy."

"Still bad for you. Okay, here's another simple one: have you ever gotten drunk?"

"Obvious answer is yes. And you got drunk with me my second night in your world," Hatter pointed out.

"Okay, next question!" Alice exclaimed.

"As I recall you got rather-"

"The next question is: have you ever gone skinny dipping?" Alice plowed right over Hatter's sure to be embarrassing revelation. She shook her head. "Nope."

"Never?" He looked at her in shock. "You must be lying."

"No!" Alice giggled. "I mean, of course I've gone swimming, but, no! I'm too shy to take my clothes off like that!"

Hatter nodded slowly. "I suppose. I mean, considering the fact that you didn't take anything off after we fell into the lake-"

"Neither did you!" she retorted.

"I was thinking about it!"

"So, anyways…I suppose that's a yes for you?"

He grinned, and leaned against the couch. "I was fifteen. Her name was Lucy."

"I never liked the name Lucy," Alice said dismissively.

"Blonde, blue eyed-"

"Sounds slutty," she continued, ignoring Hatter's laughter. "Have you ever kissed someone of the opposite sex?"

"Hmmm." He tapped his finger against his chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "I believe so. And I believe you have too. In fact, I think I need to kiss someone of the opposite sex now." Hatter leaned forward, and kissed her on the lips. "Like that."

Alice blushed. "I suppose I do like kissing you."

"Mmmmm," he murmured. "I hope so, because I really like kissing you." Hatter nuzzled his scuffed up cheeks against her neck. "Maybe we should take a little break."

"Ahhhh! No!" Alice squirmed, giggling. "I wanna finish this!"

"Fine," Hatter muttered. "Next question."

"Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?" she asked. "No."

"Yes."

Alice gaped at him. "Yes? When?"

"In Wonderland. It was an Unbirthday party and we were trying the Lust Tea." Hatter shrugged. "Everybody was kissing, and shagging everybody else, so…I kissed a couple of guys."

"Did you like it?"

He scrunched his forehead up in thought. "I didn't hate it. Was a tad rougher-"

"Ah, then you liked it." Alice's cheeks reddened. "I just got an image of you kissing some guy."

"Did he have blonde hair?"

"No."

"Then it wasn't the guy I snogged." Hatter grinned cheekily, adjusting his hat.

She pursed her lips. "Right. Next question, although now I'm scared to hear some of the answers to some of them." Alice scrolled down. "Have you ever cheated on a test?"

"A test?" he asked.

"Like at school, you know, like in math or something," Alice explained.

Hatter nodded. "Well, that would actually require me to have gone to school, so…no."

"You didn't go to school?" she asked.

"I'm not a Card, Alice. Only those who belonged to the Houses got to go to school." He chuckled lightly. "I'm a Hatter, not exactly the most trustworthy family in Wonderland."

"Hatter…"

He cleared his throat. "And, I'm sure the answer is no for you too, my dear, innocent, Alice."

"Er…well, no. I have to admit to cheating off Jennifer Krozawki's science test in the fifth grade." She covered her face with her hands. "I felt so guilty that I woke up in the middle of the night, and I admitted everything to my parents."

Hatter snickered. "Alice!"

"Stop!" she blushed. "I felt so bad!"

"What kind of horrible trouble did you get into?"

She smiled. "Actually…none. My parents…I think now they must've found it funny because all they said was that my guilt was punishment enough." Alice wrote her initials down next to the number. "Okay, so I think for the next question, the answer for you will be no."

"You don't know that."

"It has to do with school again," Alice replied.

"Or, you could be right. What's the question?"

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class?" she ticked off. "And, yes. I did. Once. But, in my defense it was in college, and I was out all night with my friends."

He grinned. "Were you hung over?"

"Maybe…just a little. I had just broken up with this idiot, and my friend Hillary said that drinking was a quick way for me to forget him," Alice rambled. "So, I…I just lay my head down on top of my notebook, and…yeah."

"I just love the fact that you went to your class hung over."

"Shush." But Alice was smiling, her cheeks turning a common pink. "Okay, do you want me to continue with this?"

"Please do. But, I'm still waiting for the naughty questions," Hatter said, winking at her.

"Still have a while. The next question is another one about school, as in, have you ever been expelled?" She shook her head. "Nope. I was a good girl."

"Minus the cheating on the test. But, I'm sure if I was in school, I would've been expelled for something."

"What?" Alice looked at him in mock horror. "Are you trying to tell me that my boyfriend would have been less than a model student?"

He waggled his eyebrows. "Well…I am impulsive, yeah?"

"So…the answer is yes for the next question, obviously." Alice adjusted the computer screen back. "Have you ever been in a fist fight?" She nodded. "I saw you punch out quite a few people in Wonderland."

"Oi!" Hatter exclaimed, and reached over to tickle her feet. "I was defending you!"

She laughed, trying to get away from him. "Still counts! Besides, you can't tell me that was the only time that you ever fought someone."

"Fine. No, the first time I got in a fist fight was when I was ten."

"Ten? You must've been a scrawny little thing."

"Hey! The Hatter name was being besmirched! I had to teach that little girl a lesson!" he huffed.

"A girl? You punched a little girl?" Alice asked, shocked.

"Hey, just because she was nine doesn't make her any less of a bitch," he pointed out. "And you got into a fist fight too."

"I don't think I actively punched anybody in Wonderland. I mean, I jabbed them…" Alice trailed off. "Fine. I'll give myself points for that." She grinned. "Here's some naughty ones. Have you ever performed oral sex? Have you ever received oral sex?"

"Let's see…" Hatter pretended to think. "I believe the answer is yes to both. In fact, I think just three days ago I had you moaning in ecstasy on the bed as I licked you."

"And obviously from just how well you did it, I was not your first."

"No…"

Alice bit her lip. "Who was she? The first girl you went down on?"

"I don't think she matters, Alice."

"Come on! I don't know anything about this part of you, so…just tell me," Alice nearly begged. "I'll tell you mind."

Hatter nodded. "Okay. I was fourteen, and her name was Vanessa-"

"Vanessa?" Alice interrupted, "ooooh, fancy."

"Yeah. She offered herself to me, you know…I eat her out, and she licks me." He smiled. "I think it worked out quite well. Her tongue could do…" Hatter glanced at Alice. "But, nothing compared to what you did to my cock in the shower."

"Liar," Alice muttered. "I saw how some of those Wonderland girls dressed. I'm sure that sucking off a guy's cock was taught in etiquette classes there."

"For the Casino girls, yeah, probably," Hatter joked. "So, that's mine. Now, you, my Alice. Who was the first guy you sucked off?"

Alice paused. "You're going to hate it. But, unlike you, Mr. Fourteen year old, I wasn't experimenting a lot with sex at such a young age."

"More for me to do with you then." Hatter started to lean over her; his eyes twinkling.

"It was Jack," she said quickly.

Hatter froze. "Jack? Prince Cock Block himself? You sucked _his _cock?"

"Well…I really liked him."

Hatter closed the laptop, and put the computer and notebook on the coffee table. "I think we should take a break."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I think I should remind you of what a proper Wonderland man's cock should taste like."

Alice burst out laughing. "Oh, really? Well, in the case, I think I should eradicate the memory of Vanessa. Give you something better to lick."

Hatter tipped his hat, and began to pull down Alice's lounge pants. "Go for it."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, here you go, the first chapter. Um…let me know what you think! Please?<strong>


	2. Chapter 2 Questions 13 to 22

The Purity Test

**Author's Note: Thank you to those who have reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! I'm happy to see that quite a few of you are enjoying this short little story of Alice and Hatter. I wanted to thank those who have been reviewing my older stories, even now, I'm glad that new people are discovering them. This set of questions doesn't have so many naughty ones, but I hope the humor is there just the same. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!**

Chapter Two: Questions 13-22

Alice pulled the blanket further up, slapping Hatter's wandering hand away from reaching her bare breasts. She giggled. "No. You were just having your fun with them."

"I could always use some more fun," he murmured. Hatter trailed one of his fingers to the top of the blanket.

"No!" she exclaimed. "Besides, I want to finish this," she added, pulling the lap top back up.

"Fine." Hatter panted, and maneuvered himself to the other end of the couch. He plopped his hat back on, crossing his arms and legs as he looked at her.

Alice snickered. "So, you're going to put your hat on, but…no clothes?"

He ran his hand down to where his now limp, and reddened cock lay. "I prefer to make things difficult for you."

"Oh, god." She rolled her eyes, and poised her pen over the notebook. "Next question: have you ever prank called the cops?"

"Cops? You mean, police officers?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there are some stupid kids in the world who would call them pretending that there was a problem."

"Ah, well, seeing as we didn't really have that many phones in Wonderland, and no cops-"

"Wait, what about the White Rabbit? The Suits? Wouldn't they be considered cops in a way?" Alice interjected.

"Well, yeah, but they wouldn't actually help someone, you know, working for the Queen and all," Hatter replied. "And why would I call them?"

"Okay, so the answer for both of us is no. I think that may be the first for this." She made an x next to the number. "All right, have you ever stolen something?" Alice tapped her pen on her chin. "When I was eight I stole a _Babysitter's Club_ book from a friend of mine. She had the newest ones, and I was still working my way through the single digits. Does that count?"

Hatter smiled, and shook his head. "A book? You stole a book?"

"Hey! Not just any book! It was _Logan likes Mary Anne_!" she pointed out.

"And you just had to find out about this Logan bloke, yeah?"

"Of course I did!" Alice smiled, and glanced at him. "Obviously your answer is yes."

"Well, you did witness me giving stolen food to Duck, and Owl."

"How old were you the first time you stole something?" she asked.

"Same as you. I was eight. I stole some bread from the store. My dad didn't…well, the Teas were slowly beginning to take over everything." Hatter shook his head. "At least I felt like I was doing some good with stealing for the Resistance."

Alice gave him a slight smile. "Have you ever done drugs?"

"Do the toast bugs count?" Hatter grinned. "Well, the Teas were a drug, yeah? So, yes. Oh, and I also took some flowers."

"Flowers?"

"Sure. Some of the flowers talked to you, you know."

"Are you sure they didn't talk to you _after _you took the drugs?" Alice asked.

"No." Hatter gave her a withering stare. "The trick was to find the talking flowers in the first place. I would go to the fields with this girl, and we would put our ears close to the flowers, whichever one talked; we ate it."

"So…a flower would talk to you, and then…you ate it?" she asked, startled.

"Yeah. My favorite was the Tiger Lily. Something about eating a Tiger Lily would make the colors much more…vivid," he replied. "Especially yellow and blue."

"So…the talking flowers are like, well, like LSD here."

"I don't know what LSD is."

"It doesn't matter. What would you and this girl do after you ate….talking flowers?"

"Uh…." Hatter laughed. "Um…basically shagged her brains out on the grass. Sometimes I would take a toast bug then too, so, would fuck her for three hours. Pretty colors, a pretty girl."

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed.

"You've never had sex like that?"

"No! I mean, I've taken drugs before. I got high on pot in college a couple of times, but, that made me more mellow than anything else. I certainly didn't fuck anybody's brains out on it…I don't think."

Hatter cocked his head. "You don't think?"

"No! I mean, no!" Alice shouted vehemently. "I remember one time I was drinking with some friends, and we had some pot, and we smoked it while listening to _White Rabbit_, and I remember we danced really strangely." She rolled her eyes. "Everybody thought it would be really funny to see Alice dancing to a song about Wonderland."

"We should do it here," he ventured forth.

"No!" Alice squeaked. "Besides, I don't even know where to get pot from anymore." She cleared her throat. "Next question: have you ever dyed your hair?"

"And mess with perfection?" Hatter replied. He took off his hat for a moment to run his fingers through his dark hair. "And as for my hair down below? Why would I fuck that up?"

"Ahhh!" Alice blushed. "You just have to take it there, don't you?"

"Hey, you didn't specify where the hairs were!"

"Yes, but…" She pursed her lips. "Fine. I attempted to dye my hair blonde when I was nineteen."

"Blonde?" Hatter raised his eyebrows. "You would look pretty damn sexy."

"Ha ha. No, more like…it turned orange. My hair is so dark that, I stupidly didn't realize that attempting to dye my hair platinum blonde in one fell swoop would not work." Alice smiled. "So, I had to spend two hundred dollars getting it fixed at a salon."

He started laughing. "Too bad. I would've liked to see you with blonde hair."

"Now you with blonde hair," Alice shook her head, "that would be scary."

Hatter waggled his eyebrows. "How about we both dye our hair blonde? We could look like twins."

"I don't want to be your twin!" she exclaimed. " 'Cause that would mean that you're my bro…okay, next question. Have you had sex with someone a lot older than yourself?" Alice shook her head. "Nope. I think the oldest was only two years older than myself. Well," she glanced at Hatter, "until you, of course."

"Six years is nothing," Hatter waved it off. "When I was twenty I had sex with a fifty year old woman in the Resistance. She was bloody hot, and well…" he chuckled. "Well, she definitely knew what she was doing."

"She was old enough to be your mother!"

"Except she wasn't my mother. We shared the same ideals, and hey, if she wanted me, I wasn't going to stop her." Hatter grinned.

"Oh, I'm sure you didn't," she said wryly. "And I'm sure she enjoyed having your young body inside of hers."

"Well, considering the fact that we shagged for two months after that…I'm sure she did."

"Why only two months?"

"Oh. Her husband came back from a trip for the Resistance," he explained.

Alice's eyes widened. "Husband? Hatter!"

"What? She was the mother of my friend-"

"Oh, my god! Next question, ahem, if you were younger than eighteen, did you date someone older than eighteen?"

Hatter furrowed his brow. "What difference does the age make?"

"It's illegal in this country to, um, have relations with someone younger than eighteen if you're eighteen or older." Alice shrugged. "It's silly in some cases, but, I never did it. I mean, there was one guy when I was seventeen and he was eighteen…"

Hatter shook his head. "You were living on the edge, Alice."

"Shut up. I suppose your answer is yes?"

"Well," Hatter bit his lower lip, and raised his eyebrows. "When I was seventeen, there was a twenty five year old Casino girl, and-"

"Oh, my god! What? Did she lure you with her lack of dress?"

"Well…yeah."

Alice made a face. "How did you ever stop yourself when we were in the Casino?"

"There was that one girl in the beginning when Charlie and I went to rescue you, but…um…" He glanced at her. "Simple. I had my eye on a girl in a blue dress."

"Good answer," she murmured. She scrolled down to the next question. "Have you ever eaten an entire pack of Oreos?"

"What?" Hatter looked at her disgusted. "You mean those cream filled cookies?"

"Yeah. Ever have them?"

"Yeah, and I mean one or two is fine. How the bloody hell can you eat an entire bag?"

"I did with my roommate in college once. It was late, and we stayed up till three in the morning talking, and we just ate the entire thing." Alice groaned. "Thank god for a good metabolism then. I also ate an entire bag of Doritos when I was working on my senior thesis one night."

Hatter shook his head, and roved his eyes over her body. "Where did it go?"

"Ha, ha. Stress." She wrote her initial down. "So, that's a yes for me, and a no for you."

"In my defense, I never had that much to eat."

"No. I know." Alice smiled. "You've definitely made up for it, especially with the pizza."

"Oi! You were the one who told me what pizza was!"

"I didn't mean that we could eat it every night for a week!" Alice chuckled lightly. "Okay. Next question: have you ever cried yourself to sleep?"

Hatter leaned his head back. "What's up with the boring questions?"

"Just answer it."

"Of course I have." His eyes bore into hers. "The first time that I remember was the night after my mother died. I was nine."

"I'm sorry. This was a bad question," Alice said softly. "I mean, I understand. I was ten, and my dad was gone." They looked at each other. "Anyways, that's a yes for both of us. Okay, so…have you ever told someone you loved them when you didn't mean it?"

Hatter closed his eyes. "You're going to hate me."

"Oh, my god!" she moaned.

"I was sixteen!" he exclaimed. "She was crazy about me! She was hot, and I wanted to have sex with her, but she didn't…she never had sex before, so-"

"Oh, my god." Alice lifted her eyes up from the computer screen. "You told her that you loved her so you could _fuck _her?"

"I was sixteen. I was pretty bloody stupid."

"You're still pretty bloody stupid," she added, mimicking his accent. "What was her name?"

"I don't remember. Some kind of flower name, I think. She had red hair, which I loved because I had never been with a red head before, and I-"

"And you did it, didn't you? You lied to her about loving her, and you took her virginity?"

"Um…" Hatter faltered.

"Well, aren't we just learning all sorts of new things today? Was it good at least?" Alice asked, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

"Virgins are always exciting, pushing through the barrier…" He paled when he saw Alice's cheeks flame red. "Maybe we should not answer any more questions." Hatter reached over to grab the lap top out of Alice's hands only to be slapped away.

"No. I don't think so, mister." Alice pursed her lips. "How about one more question, and then we stop to make some tea?"

"You hate tea."

"Fine. So, tea for you, and coffee for me." She tapped her finger on the keyboard. "The question is a big one."

"Wait, you never answered. Have you ever told someone you loved them when you didn't?"

"No." Alice glanced at him. "If anything, I would push anybody away who did tell me that."

"Like, Jack?"

"Right," she said tensely. "Like, Jack."

Hatter leaned forward, and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I should consider myself lucky then."

"So, I suppose the answer to the next question is a yes, then?"

"Depends on what the question is."

"Have you ever been in love?" Alice asked.

"Of course. With you. Have been ever since you entered the tea shop," Hatter said, smirking.

"I thought it was lust."

"It was love disguised as lust," he interjected.

"Ah, okay. But, c'mon, there had to have been at least one other person who you were in love with. You always tell me nobody, but, c'mon, tell the truth."

Hatter bounded off the couch. "That's because there isn't anybody."

"Not even Carlotta St. Delaware?"

"She was just a fuck. A good fuck, but, just a fuck."

Alice watched his bare butt flex as he walked into the kitchen. "What are you even doing?"

"Getting the coffee and tea ready!" he called out.

"What about the girl who caused you to eat a lot of chocolate and cream cake?"

"I told you. I was wrong…I thought it was love, but, it wasn't." Hatter peeked his head around the doorway. "What kind of coffee do you want?"

"It's cold outside. How about a gingerbread?"

Hatter stuck his tongue out. "You have the weirdest kind of taste in coffee. I don't understand this flavored crap."

"I think you're avoiding the question."

He shook his head. "No."

Alice removed the blanket, and followed him into the kitchen. "So, I'm the only woman you've ever loved?"

Hatter turned around, grinning as he looked towards her naked body. "Well, there was my mother, but…I didn't have any desire to see her naked."

Alice groaned. "Oh, god. I hope not."

"Here." Hatter handed her the coffee mug. "What about you, Alice? Ever been in love?"

"I'm in love with a pretty hot, naked man who is standing in front of me making his tea."

"With the best bits you've ever seen, yeah?" he asked, reaching down to stroke at himself.

"Ahhhh!" Alice blushed, and scampered back into the living room.

"You know, when you run like that it makes your bum and breasts bounce!" Hatter shouted.

She put her coffee down on the table, and collapsed on the couch. "You enjoyed it!"

"Not denying it." Hatter walked in, carrying his cup of tea. "Besides me, ever been in love?"

Alice shook her head. "No. Too terrified to, even if I felt like I should."

"Then why me?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she giggled, and waved her hand over him. "You have the best bits I've ever seen. Seeing them cinched the deal for me."

Hatter nodded. "You little liar. Okay, next question."


	3. Chapter 3 Questions 23 to 33

The Purity Test

**Author's Note: Yes, another chapter this week! I'm not really going to be around for the next few days so I wanted to take advantage of the free time today, and my son did take an almost two hour nap, so yay, more writing time! A big thanks for this chapter goes to Lady Irish Rose who helped me when I got stuck with some of the questions. Thank you to everybody who has been reading, reviewing, and alerting this story. Please, seriously, let me know what you think because reviews are a FF writer's paycheck as someone once said. Now, go and read Lady Irish Rose's newest installment to **_**Perfect Companions**_**, located here in the M section, and then make sure your significant other is around when you're done reading it, because, oh man, it is hot, steamy, and smutty Alice and Hatter. Whoo. I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it again!**

Chapter Three: Questions 23-33

Alice rolled her eyes as she watched Hatter carefully stir his tea with the spoon. She pursed her lips; waiting.

"Alice? The next question?" Hatter said, not taking his eyes off his cup.

"I'm waiting for you to get your tea just right…Goldilocks," she replied, pointedly.

"Goldilocks?" he asked, confused. "No, I can listen to you and drink my tea at the same time." Hatter closed his eyes as exhaled out in pleasure as he took his first sip.

"Do you and the tea need a room alone?"

Hatter placed the tea cup down on the table. "I'll have you know that I have never once done anything kinky with tea." He paused as he leaned back. "No, wait…I think there was that one time-"

"Anyways!" Alice exclaimed, cutting into his diatribe. "The next question is: have you ever been caught doing something that you shouldn't have been doing?"

He grinned, and tipped his hat at her. "I have never gotten caught once. See, when you lived like I did…you got to be an expert."

Alice shook her head. "Wrong! You got caught when you rescued me from the Casino! I don't think you were supposed to be doing that."

"Okay. So, I probably should've just left you there then, yeah?" Hatter snickered. "I don't think that's the kind of thing the question meant."

"But, you got caught by the Suits, and um, as I recall, I was a prisoner, so I think I'll count that for you since you won't tell me anything else," Alice pointed out, a smile playing on her face.

"That's 'cause I never got caught!"

"Liar," she muttered. "Okay. Well, that's a yes for me."

"Doing what?"

"Well, the same thing as you; getting caught by the Suits."

Hatter shook his head, and took another sip of his tea. "That's not what you were going to say."

"Okay, well, I was seventeen, and I got caught taking my mom's car to go out late when…I wasn't supposed to."

"I think I need more details."

Alice groaned. "Ugh, okay. My friends went to Toad's Place in New Haven, um, in Connecticut because one of the bands we liked was going to play there, and um, my mom said I couldn't go."

"But, you did? Yeah?"

"My friends had taken the train in earlier, and I…well, my mom fell asleep so I snuck out, and walked out to the garage and drove her car into Connecticut." She sighed. "But, apparently the garage attendant called my mom, so guess who was waiting for me when I pulled back in at five in the morning?"

Hatter burst out laughing. "Your mum must've been so bloody pissed!"

"I got grounded for two months."

"Grounded?"

"Oh. Um, it means that I wasn't allowed out for two months. I just had my school, judo, and that's it." Alice shrugged. "And that was my foray into high school rebellion."

Hatter furrowed his brow. "I thought in this world you had to be eighteen to get into those kind of places."

Alice reddened. "There may have been fake id's involved as well." She turned her attention back to the computer. "Okay, have you ever gone streaking?"

Hatter grinned. "Which time?"

"So, yes then. A yes for you, and a yes for me."

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "Do tell me of your streaking adventure because this is something I would've liked to see."

Alice raised her eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? And why's that?"

"Um, because you would be naked, and running, so that means your tits would be bouncing." Hatter smirked. "Now, if I could have convinced you to strip as you were running from the Jabberwock-"

"We were running for our lives!" she exclaimed. "No! You weren't thinking that!"

He paused. "Well…no. I did think it that night at Charlie's though. A bit of a dream."

Alice chuckled. "Is that why you looked so happy while you were sleeping that night?"

"You watched me sleep?"

"I, er, well…" she got flustered. "I did. Anyways, what's your streaking story?"

"Ahh, no. You were going to go first."

Alice tapped the pen against the paper. "Fine. I was in college, and it was fall break, and one of my friends, her family has a lake house by Lake Champlain in Vermont. So, there were five of us, and we got really drunk, and Hilary had the brilliant idea that we get naked, and run through the woods over to the dock."

"All girls?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Hatter. Five college aged girls, does that make you happy?"

"Setting up the image in my mind is all."

"Ah, well, I was apparently too drunk on…stuff, that I agreed to do it, and…we went running, and luckily we stopped before we got to the end of the dock otherwise we would've been skinny dipping."

"What stopped you?"

"Hatter, it was October…in Vermont! We would've frozen!" She giggled. "Okay, your turn."

"Oh, ah, well…I was seventeen, and my brother and I decided to, um, disrupt a private, well, it was the daughters of the Suits. They were having some kind of tea party, now not my idea of a tea party, but, a proper one." Hatter grinned. "My brother and I decided to give these ladies a show of what they were missing."

Alice lifted her hand up to her mouth. "You did not!"

"Of course we did. Took off our clothes, knickers, what have you, and ran through the pathway."

"Hatter!"

"Hey, I, uh, I got quite a few visitors to the Tea shop after that."

"Oh, my god!" Alice reached for her coffee, and took a deep gulp. "Okay, next question: have you ever gotten arrested? Um…nope. You?"

He shook his head. "No. To be properly arrested in Wonderland means you would lose your head. As you can see, my head is still on. Both of them." He swallowed. "The closest I ever came was in the Doctors chamber, but…" He shook his head. "Just lucky, yeah?"

Alice stretched her legs out, resting them on Hatter's thighs. "Do you wanna stop?"

"No! I gotta find out how much richer I am than you." Hatter gave her a smile, reaching over to rub her calves.

"Good." She pulled the computer closer. "Have you ever made out with someone?"

"Oh, bloody hell, I don't know." He gave a short laugh. "I believe I have, and I believe I have with you. The first night I saw you again."

Alice blushed. "It was nice."

"Very nice," he said, his voice husky. Hatter shook his head, and cleared his throat. "Anyways…"

"Do you think it would've been any better if we had started at Charlie's? You know, right before Jack," Alice tittered nervously, "interrupted us?"

"I'm just happy I got to kiss you. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to do more with you from the moment I saw you, but…"

"What?"

"Nothing," he said softly.

She reddened further. "Um, okay. Well, the next question is: have you ever peed in a pool?"

"What?" Hatter exclaimed. "Why would anybody pee in a pool?"

"I guess, it means when you were a kid or something."

"Now, a body of water is different. I mean, I will admit to peeing in a lake, or you know, ocean, as recently as two months ago when we went to the beach," he added.

"You mean when I was right next to you in the water, you were…" Alice shuddered.

"Oi!" Hatter exclaimed. "Don't play so innocent!"

"Fine. I will give us both points for this one since, yes, I have peed in the ocean before."

"And then in Wonderland, of course."

She lifted her eyes up. "I most certainly did not!"

"Oh. I thought…never mind. What's the next question?" Hatter pushed forth hurriedly.

"No, no, no. Did you pee in the lake or something? The one by Charlie's place?"

"I just…I really had to go."

"Oh, my god! I washed my face in that!" she exclaimed.

"Well, it probably had washed away by then!" Hatter tried hard not to laugh at Alice's horrified expression.

"There were trees and bushes everywhere!"

"Well…I didn't have to go when I was by a tree. Just go on with the next question."

"Um…right." She turned her attention back to the computer. "Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?"

He glanced up her, his mouth open in confusion. "What?"

"Oh, it's this game that you would play. Like, everybody would sit around in a circle, and you would have a bottle that someone would spin, and whoever it landed on, you had to kiss them," Alice explained.

"I think I like this game," Hatter commented.

"You didn't have anything like that in Wonderland?"

"Um…not really." He grinned. "I mean, there were certain ways to pick girls for the Tea parties, but, that's not what you mean."

"No," Alice replied, glowering at him. "I'll have you know that I had my first kiss while playing Spin the Bottle."

"Oh, really?" Hatter's voice cracked high on the last word.

"Yeah. I was twelve, and I had to kiss my neighbor, this guy named John," she continued.

"Ah…John."

Alice smiled, and marked her initial down. "Is it a problem, Hatter?" she asked sweetly. "I do remember his kiss being very nice…"

"Really? Well, isn't that bloody good for John?" Hatter said sarcastically. "So glad about that. What's the next question?"

"Have you ever done something you regret?"

Hatter moaned. "That's a bad question."

"I know. I think that everybody has done something that they regret, you know? Like…" Alice shook her head. "Never mind."

"No. What?"

"Not saving my father," Alice whispered.

Hatter started rubbing his hands along her thighs. "That was not your fault."

"Still a regret," she said softly.

"No. I…I get it. I couldn't save my family either, so yeah…right there with you," Hatter said. "So, I guess we both have the same ones."

"Hopefully the next question is not so depressing," Alice chuckled ruefully.

"Yes, please. Bring on the sex questions," Hatter agreed.

"Oh. Okay, well the next one isn't exactly a good one."

"Ugh, Alice!" he groaned.

"It doesn't matter. I already know what the answer is, so I'll just-"

"What's the question?"

"It's actually a really bad question, because I mean…if you say yes to this, you may actually be confessing to something that someone may not know about you, and it could be really bad," Alice rambled.

"Alice," Hatter cut in. "What's the question?"

"Have you ever killed someone?"

"Right," he muttered softly. "Well, you know the answer to that, yeah?"

"Hatter…" Alice reached over, and took his hand. "I know that you did it to save me."

"Not the first time," Hatter mumbled. "Alice, I-"

"No, I…you don't need to say anything now. That's just a bad question because what if your friends didn't know, and you're basically confessing…" She squeezed his hand. "The next question is right up your alley."

"Well, finally," he said, and attempted a weak smile.

"Have you ever had a one night stand?" Alice asked.

"Well…um…yes, of course. I mean, I would have sex with some girls once, and then never again."

"Why?"

"Well…I didn't enjoy it with them, so if I didn't enjoy it then why would I invite them back?"

"Why would you even have sex with them in the first place?" Alice exclaimed.

"Well, bad sex is better than no sex, yeah? I would just, not see them again," Hatter replied.

"Oh, my god!" She shook her head. "I still don't understand if the sex was bad why you would've done it in the first place."

"Oi, I didn't know sex with them was going to be bad, now, did I? They weren't exactly walking around with signs saying, 'Hi my name is blah blah blah, and if you fuck me, it's going to suck,'" Hatter said.

"So, what's your idea of sucky sex?"

"Oh." He stopped to think. "Well, if you just lie there. I mean, if I wanted to fuck a statue, I would just go to the old Queen's gardens."

"Hatter!"

"Not that I ever tried fucking a statue…" his voice trailed off. "I mean, I may have dry humped one as a joke, but I can assure you, none of the female statues had holes where I could…well, I don't think they did."

"Oh, my god." Alice forced her jaw to unclench. "So, you just never had really good sex with someone one night and that was it?"

He shook his head. "No. I mean, if I had good sex with you, believe me, I would want to have good sex with you again."

"But, what if the girl was with someone, or married-"

"That really didn't stop me."

"Oh, right. The cougar. Okay." Alice wrote his initial down. "I never did that. I mean, I would make out with guys for one night in college, but I didn't have sex with them."

"Why not? I'm sure they wanted to have sex with you."

"Because, I…I just didn't." Alice tapped the keyboard. "So, I'm assuming that sex is good with me then?"

Hatter lifted her foot up, and began to lick down to her ankles. "The sex with you is…amazing. I can't get enough of you. I thought that was pretty obvious." He leaned forward, resting his head on her thigh. "Do you know what your smell does to me?"

"My…smell?"

"You know." Hatter raised his eyebrows. He trailed a finger up to the space between her thighs. "Here."

She blushed. "You're trying to seduce me."

"I think it's time for another break. In fact, I think we should take a naked nap."

"Oh? And how much sleeping is actually going to occur?" Alice shook her head. "Come on, next question. Have you ever given a massage? Yes."

"And it was a bloody bad one. Oi!" he shouted as Alice flicked her fingers at his temple.

"Nobody else complained!"

"Probably because they knew you could beat the piss out of them if they did." Hatter rubbed at his head. "Alice, that hurt."

"You'll live," Alice muttered. "Mmmm, so that's a yes for you, and a yes for me."

"And unlike you, I've only gotten positive reviews about my massages."

"Not all positive," she retorted.

"Um, as I recall, every time I've given you a massage it has been accompanied by moans, and um, some certain kind of wetness."

"Sweat," Alice said shortly.

"I don't think sweat is supposed to taste so sweet," Hatter mused. "I mean, unless if sweat tastes a little bit like…" he delved his head under the blanket, and licked swiftly and thoroughly along her opening.

"Oh, shit," she moaned.

"I mean, sweat does taste salty, but I don't think it tastes sweet." He pulled the blanket back up, and swirled his fingers around her swollen clit; giving it a small suck. "And tangy. I like that tanginess."

"Oh, do you?" Alice's breathing became erratic as she watched him lick the remainder of her juices off his fingers. "One more question, and then we can take a naked nap."

"Better be a good question."

"Have you ever had a threesome?" she asked. Alice rolled her eyes. "No, of course not. Those only exist in dreams, and in pornos."

"Well…"

"Oh, god," Alice groaned. "You didn't."

"In Wonderland." He shrugged. "There were a couple of girls who didn't mind sharing me. Carlotta St. Delaware was always up for a bit of shagging with another."

"Oh, really?" Alice replied, unable to hide the bite under her words.

"Yeah, I mean…" Hatter licked his lips. "You would look very sexy with me and another woman, our bodies slick with sweat as I make her come, and then make you come." He reached her free hand down to where his erection was starting to throb. "I'm getting so hard thinking about it. You and Carlotta St. Delaware." Hatter flashed her a dimpled grin.

Alice put the computer back on the table, and pushed Hatter off till he fell down to the wooden floor. "Fuck off," she muttered as she headed towards the bathroom.

"Oi…what? Alice!" Hatter scrambled to get up, and he ran, his hardened cock painfully flapping around as he followed her. "Alice?"

Hatter reached the closed bathroom door, only to hear it lock. "Alice?"

"What are you saying? That I'm not enough for you?" he finally heard her ask against the barrier.

"Of course you are, I just…" He sighed. "I thought we were having a bit of a laugh, yeah? I…look, why don't you come out, and we'll go into the bedroom where I can show you just how much I want only you."

The lock clicked, and Alice opened the door. "Naked nap? You think you're getting a naked nap with me after saying that you want to have sex with me and Carlotta St. Delaware?"

"No?" Hatter replied plaintively. "Oi, but Alice…you don't even know her!" He watched as Alice's bare back walked away from him; her hips jutting out with each step she took. "Really? Not even a fifteen minute one?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: There is one more chapter to go after th<strong>**is! We'll be finding out just how much money they earned, and if Hatter will get a chance to have a naked nap with Alice. I also wanted to say that I am so happy when one of the readers gets the allusions I give to other ALP works and so forth. Makes me feel like it's worth it to put them in :) So, thanks for those of who have taken the time to ask!**


	4. Chapter 4 Questions 34 to 44

The Purity Test

**Author's Note: Here is the final chapter! I apologize for it taking longer than expected, but yay, I got it done! For this chapter a big thanks goes out to Brumeier, Lady Irish Rose, and BlackBulletButterfly for providing me with some fun insight that I used for the answers to a few of the questions. Also, these three deserve a huge thanks for being my consistent reviewers because it means a lot to hear from you guys. So, here you go, and Brumeier, I hope you enjoy what I've done with your request. **

Chapter Four: Questions 34 to 44

Alice glared at him. "What can you possibly get done in fifteen minutes?"

"I can…kiss you all along your body, and we could have a quickie."

"Naked naps are not for quickies," Alice pointed out.

Hatter jumped up. "Ah ha! I knew you liked the naked naps!" he exclaimed triumphantly.

"I never said I _didn't _like them. I just don't want to have a naked nap with you thinking about Carlotta St. Delaware having sex with us."

"You don't even know what she looks like!" Hatter said sarcastically.

"Oh? And are you saying that if I did, that…what, Hatter?"

He opened his mouth; a gurgling sound emerged before he clamped it shut. "I…never said any such thing."

Alice pulled the blanket back over her, and placed the laptop onto her knees. "Uh huh. Well, should we continue to see if you will piss me off even more?"

"How do you know that I'll piss you off? You piss me off sometimes."

"At least I don't go around having threesome with people," she muttered.

"Oh, gods. Just get on with the next question." Hatter fixed his hat back on his head, and settled on the couch.

"Fine. Have you ever used physical strength, physical power as a factor in a pick up?" she asked.

"What, like, using it to impress someone?"

"Yeah."

Hatter smirked. "Well, what? My physical strength on the roof didn't impress you?"

"Were you intending to impress me?"

"I was hoping that would be a side effect. A kind of eye opener to how much better than Jack I was." He pointed at her. "Besides, I also pulled you from the lake when we fell in. Did that work?"

"You did that on purpose too?"

"Well, I was trying to save your life, you know, not have you drown, but-"

Alice smiled. "Were you always trying to impress me?"

Hatter groaned. "Gods, yes woman!"

"Well…I will admit being a tad impressed when you punched the Jabberwock for me."

"Why didn't you show me how much you appreciated it?"

"And how would you have liked me to show you?"

"A hug," he replied.

She raised her eyebrows. "A hug?"

"A kiss, really. But, yeah, I would've taken any excuse to feel your body against mine."

"Is that why you kept asking for a hug?"

He shrugged. "Maybe."

Alice smiled. "That's sweet. Well, I for one never used physical strength to impress someone I wanted."

"Oh, bullocks. Like you didn't try to impress Jack with your fancy judo moves?" Hatter asked, striking a pose with his hands.

Alice blushed. "No…"

"Ha! Bullshit!"

"Shut up," she mumbled. "Next question: have you ever masturbated?"

Hatter rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell, of course I have. Oh, and fuck, that week you went on vacation with your mum? I believe I must've wanked off twice a day."

"Twice?" Alice exclaimed.

"Look, you weren't there in the morning, and I like to press myself against the curve of your bum, so when I don't get that…" he shrugged. "And, plus, those sexy texts you sent me didn't exactly help the cause."

"Not even the ones of the picture of me in my suit?"

"Especially not the pictures of you in your suit." Hatter bit his lip. "I may have a confession."

Alice winced. "Do I want to hear this?"

"Probably not."

"Well, now you have to tell me!" she demanded.

"Fine. Do you remember when we had a little spat at Charlie's? By the fire?"

"How could I forget? You said we could argue about it later."

"I may have gotten in a good tug here and there after that, thinking of you sucking me off," Hatter admitted.

"Oh, my god!" She blushed, a smile creeping on her face.

"Yeah, well, can you blame me?" He grinned. "Tell me yours."

"I've masturbated."

"And…?"

"And…yeah."

"Do I need to get you drunk in order for you to tell me this? Pour some liquor in your coffee?"

Alice stuck her tongue out at him. "No. Okay, if I tell you this…you have to promise to never tell anybody else."

"Who would I even tell?"

"Your co-workers," Alice retorted.

"No! C'mon, spit it out."

She sighed. "Okay. I discovered one night while I was watching tv, that if the tip of the remote hit me in just the right spot, that…I would, um, _feel_ this, you know, burning hit me."

Hatter started to snicker. "How old were you?"

"Thirteen, I think."

"So, you're telling me that you would use something like that," he nodded over at the remote for their television, "and pleasure yourself with it?"

"I never actually put it in me. I just…kind of rubbed it over my underwear." She blushed. "Happy now?"

He grinned, and nodded. "I never knew you could be such a dirty girl."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Really? Never?"

Hatter pursed his lips; his dimples threatening to emerge. "Okay, I may have seen a hint here and there."

She shook her head. "Have you ever masturbated with someone else? Um…nope."

"I think that's a bloody shame," Hatter said, his brown eyes darkening. "We could have a bit of a toss with it."

"I'm guessing you've done it then."

Hatter shrugged. "Once or twice."

Alice lifted her eyes off the screen. "Once or twice?"

"I want to do that with you. Do you know how hot that would make me to watch you touch yourself?"

She shook her head; the heat rising to her face. "I don't know if I'm ready for that. I mean, I've never…done that in front of anybody before."

"It's fun, and I love it when you scream. Yeah? So…."

"Have you done that with Carlotta St. Delaware?" Alice asked, her voice hitching up.

"What _haven't _I done with Carlotta St. Delaware?" Hatter chuckled. He glanced over at Alice. "But…your pussy is much better. And I want to see your fingers in it."

"You're so…"

"What?"

She giggled. "Bad." Alice bit her lower lip. "Okay. I believe that can be arranged."

"When? Now?" Hatter leaned over her, placing kisses up her arm. "We can start the naked nap."

"No! Not now!" She grinned, and gave him a quick kiss. "I thought you wanted to see how rich you would be."

"Hmm, true. Go on."

"Have you ever given a sympathy fuck?" Alice made a face. "Oh, god no."

"Oh, c'mon, there was never some poor little computer geek who you took pity on, and satisfied his fantasies?" he asked.

"No. The closest I ever came to that were these guys that my friend Sarah met at this party. She, for some screwed up reason, told them that I was from England."

"What?"

Alice nodded. "Yeah, so I had to do an accent like yours for the rest of the night for these guys and-"

"Whoa, whoa." Hatter held his hands up. "Why did Sarah, and I'm assuming this is the Sarah I know, why did she ever tell them that?"

"I don't know. I think she just wanted to have some fun, and these guys were kind of…" Alice groaned. "Oh, this is going to sound mean, because it's not like I was Miss Popular or anything, but, this one guy seemed so into hanging around this 'British' girl that I…well, I made out with him."

"What happened when he found out that you were not British?" Hatter asked.

"I don't think he ever did. Never saw him again, so…" Alice grinned. "I remember him telling me that he ran some kind of creature sighting website, or like, I don't know, some prehistoric creature website."

"Ahh, he was just happy that he got to snog a girl as hot as you."

"Stop!" Alice giggled. "You know, I'm sure some girl hotter than me discovered his quirkiness and loves it."

"Well, I'm lucky that you didn't give him a sympathy fuck," Hatter said.

"Oh?"

"Well, yeah, because then he would want to be with you, and thus you wouldn't have fallen for foppish Jack, and…you wouldn't have met me."

"And I would've had to keep up a British accent, or, reveal that I lied to him."

"After having sex with you, he wouldn't have cared."

She blushed. "Stop! You haven't even told me if you've even done that."

"Um, a sympathy fuck?" Hatter chuckled uneasily. "It's happened, um, not very often, but I've done it."

"Like, to who?"

"Just some girls who have shown up to the Tea parties, and," Hatter shrugged. "I think everybody needs to be shagged really good, at least once in their life, yeah?"

Alice furrowed her brow. "You're saying it like you did them a favor."

"Um…" Hatter thought for a moment. "In a way I did. If the others saw that I shagged them, then-"

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed. "Those poor girls! They probably thought you were really interested in them!"

"Like that poor bloke thought you were interested in him?"

Alice glared at him. "Touché, Hatter." She scribbled his initial down. "I'm not giving myself a point for that."

"Only making me richer, baby."

"Hmmm. Okay, have you ever initiated sex for the sole purpose of having sex?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "My answer is yes."

"Well, I do remember a couple of times you just wanted to bang me when I got home from work," Hatter pointed out.

"Ah, true, but I'm not exactly referring to you," Alice replied. "You remember Brian, the guy I told you about? The one I dated in college?"

"Uh huh…" he looked at her suspiciously.

"We broke up, primarily because I kept pushing him away, but…the sex was good, so a couple of times I wall call him, IM him, whatever, and we would just…" Alice shrugged. "It was fun, you know? And he was really, really good at doing things to my toes." She smiled brightly at Hatter. "So, is that a yes for you as well?"

"Yes, but…toes? What did he do to your toes?" Hatter asked, sitting up.

"Oh, he just…he was quite adept with his tongue," she replied, punctuating the last word. "Never met anyone else who could do that."

"Do what?"

"Stuff to my toes." She flexed her legs out, and lifted a pointed foot in Hatter's face. "Hmmm. So, you would have sex with women just to have sex? Those regular women, right?"

"I…" Hatter glanced at her feet. "Yes, but…so he would suck your toes?"

"More like…make love to my toes." Alice giggled. "Never thought of my feet in that way before." She cleared her throat. "Are you ready for the next question?"

"Wait…does this Brian still live here?"

"Yeah. He lives in Brooklyn."

"Oh." Hatter gave her a small smile. "That's nice," he added through gritted teeth.

"So, the next question is: have you ever cheated on someone?" Alice poised her pen over the paper. "You answer first."

"I've never…never really been in a relationship that…there's you, and of course chocolate and cream cake girl. I've never cheated on you."

"Oh, but with her?"

"Wonderland was different, and it wasn't until…it wasn't until I met you that-" He blushed. "Nothing."

Alice smiled. "What? Tell me."

"I guess I never thought of anybody but myself, yeah?" Hatter continued. "So…I wouldn't even think twice about kissing someone."

"And now?"

"Well…why would I kiss someone else when I can kiss you?"

"But, you still wouldn't mind having a threesome with me," she pointed out.

"Every man in Wonderland and Earth wants a threesome, and besides, it's not cheating because you would still be involved," Hatter replied. "What about you, Alice?"

"I will admit to cheating once."

"Ah, on Jack, yeah? When you almost kissed me at Charlie's?"

"You almost kissed me!" Alice retorted. "And, no. I wasn't referring to that. I was in college and I had been seeing this guy Matt for, like, three weeks. And my friend had this birthday party, and Amanda brought these two guys with her." She blushed. "His name was Josh, and…Amanda and I had a little private party with Josh and Ryan in her room, with Josh and I making out on one bed, and Amanda and Ryan in the other."

Hatter grinned. "Bad girl."

"It was so weird, and surreal, you know? I had never done that before."

"Did Josh have good toe sucking skills?" he asked sarcastically.

Alice looked up from the notebook. "Now look who's jealous."

Hatter crossed his arms over his chest. "Not jealous, just…curious."

"Mmm hmm. Whatever." She gave him a small smile. "So the next question is: have you ever had anal sex?" Alice groaned. "Of course that question is there, and you know my answer is no because you keep trying to convince me to do it."

He winked at her. "I think you would like it. I know I would."

"Right. 'Cause you've fucked, like ten women in the ass."

"No. Not ten." He scrunched his face up in thought. "Five."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry. Off by five."

"Not that many women wanted to do it," Hatter mused.

"Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because it's not exactly comfortable?"

"Oh, but it is. I'll make you come first so you'll be all nice and relaxed, and then I'll-

"No!" Alice exclaimed. "I don't even understand. Why do you even want to do this, I mean, you've done it with others, do you know…"

Hatter climbed back over her; the heat from the computer blowing over his skin. "Because you're going to be so tight and hot, and it's kind of forbidden, yeah? And you're still a chase for me." He nuzzled his cheek against her ear.

She giggled. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, if I wanted some of these other women in a certain way, sometimes I just had to ask, and they would, um, present themselves." Hatter ran a finger over the curve of her breast. "But, you…you don't make anything easy. You make me work for everything, yeah?"

"Oh, I see." Alice smiled. "You think I'm making you work for this?"

"I always like a challenge," he murmured.

"No." She gently pushed him off. "You're going to have to give this…challenge, up."

Hatter tipped his hat at her. "One day, Alice. Don't think I'm going to let this go easily."

Alice sighed, and gave him a crooked smile. "Next question?" "Sure. Bring on my money!"

"You do realize that you don't actually get money for this, don't you?"

He gave her a withering stare. "Of course I realize that. But, when I win I immediately get to take in the room for a naked nap."

"And what if I win?" she asked.

"Give it up, Al. There's no way you will."

"We'll see." Alice scrolled down. "Okay, have you ever…allright, have you ever measured your penis?"

"I don't think you have one," Hatter chuckled.

"Ha ha. So, the answer is no, and also no, because I know what you're thinking, and no I've never measured any guys either." Alice narrowed her eyes at him. "Have you?"

"Measured another guy's? No."

She sighed. "That's not what I meant."

"I know." He grinned. "And, yes. I have."

"Oh?" Alice pursed her lips. "And? What was the result?"

"Seven inches."

"Bullshit," she replied, shaking her head.

"Oh? You don't believe me? Go get the tape measure from the kitchen," Hatter ordered.

"Fine." Alice put the notebook, and laptop down on the coffee table, and practically ran into the kitchen.

Hatter stood up, and walked over to the doorway; watching Alice's bare back as she bent over the open drawer. He reached his hand down to stroke at his cock, and let out a slight moan as Alice's legs parted a bit.

She swerved her head around, nearly dropping the measuring tape to the floor. "What are you doing?"

"Getting hard," he panted out. "I need to be hard for this." Hatter nodded to her. "Move your hands away from your chest. I want to see your tits."

Alice slowly lowered her hand. "Is all this so I can get a proper measurement?"

Hatter winked at her. "For the most part." He moaned. "Gods, you have the most bloody amazing tits."

Alice strung the tape measure out. "Are you ready?"

He looked down, and gave his cock one more tug. "Yeah. Go." Hatter rest his hands behind his head, watching as Alice got down on her knees with the tape measure stretched out on his erection. "Well?"

"Fine." Alice snapped the measuring tape shut. "You're right. Seven inches."

"Ha! Told you! Much bigger than Jack's, yeah?"

"I have no clue," she replied.

"Trust me. With the self importance that Jack was pulling at Charlie's, it was because he was over compensating for having a small penis."

Alice stood up. "And you fighting back with the stick? What was that?"

"Total and complete confidence in my cock size," he said, grinning at her.

"Oh, my god!" Alice threw the measuring tape on the kitchen table, and headed back into the living room. "Come on, only a few more questions, and besides, it looks like your seven inches has disappeared."

Hatter glanced down. "I can get it back."

"I know you can." She smiled. "Come on, next question: have you ever had sex outside? Yes. You?"

"Of course. There's nothing like having a quickie against the wall of an alley way in Wonderland, the girl's skirts pulled up."

"Yeah. That sounds, um…romantic," Alice muttered.

"Oi! There wasn't much of a chance for romance there, and besides sometimes I just liked to have a quickie, and if it meant that there was a chance I could get caught," Hatter shrugged, "bring it on."

"Was Carlotta St. Delaware one of those girls?"

"Ugh." He groaned. "I never should've mentioned her name."

"You first mentioned her in Wonderland," Alice pointed out.

"Well, that was a big mistake. When did you have sex outside?"

"I was dating that guy, Brian-"

"Oi, Brian again," Hatter complained.

"And, I went to hear this band play at this bar type of venue with him and some of our friends, and we all got really drunk," Alice continued, as if Hatter hadn't interrupted her. "And, I must've gotten really, really drunk because I agreed to go up to the roof with Brian, and he somehow had a blanket, and we…well, had hot sex on the roof at two in the morning."

Hatter's eyes widened. "_You_ had sex on a roof?"

Alice winced. "I know, right? I remember being so freaked out when I woke up, that I was pretty much crying."

"Well, why don't we do it?" he asked.

"On a roof?" she exclaimed.

"No, no," he assured her. "I mean, taking you outside somewhere to have something to eat, a blanket, the stars?"

Alice smiled. "A fire?"

Hatter clicked his tongue, and nodded. "You do look good by a fire."

"As do you." Alice quickly jotted their initials down. "Okay, have you ever read someone's diary or private notes?"

"Sure, all the time."

"All the time?"

"You have to remember, Alice, I was working for the Resistance. But, of course the Queen, and, you know, those bloody idiots loyal to her didn't know that." He shrugged. "Of course I snuck through people's personal stuff to get information."

She bit her lip. "At least your reason sounds more noble than mine."

"What did you do?"

Alice sighed, and rolled her eyes. "Okay, in my defense, I was fifteen years old. I liked this guy at school, but, he was dating this girl named Jenn, so I basically became friends with her to get close to him." She glared as Hatter started snickering. "So, one night when I was sleeping over her house, I read her diary, you know about everything that she and this guy did…god, I was so pathetic."

Hatter nodded. "Not your greatest moment."

"I was fifteen!" Alice huffed. "There's one last question. You ready?"

"Go for it, my little fifteen year old stalker."

"Ugh. Okay, have you ever shaved your genital hair?"

Hatter turned to her; a horrified look on his face. "Why would anybody do that?"

"Um, I guess that's a no then," she mumbled.

"Do…do women in your world do that?" he asked.

"Sometimes."

"They would have…" Hatter waggled his eyebrows at her. "Ah, I would like to see you all shaved like that. Everything on display, yeah?"

"Keep dreaming 'cause I'm never doing it again."

"Again? Did you do it for some sad bloke?"

Alice shut her eyes. "No. It's a completely mortifying story, and I would prefer to forget it."

Hatter adjusted his hat, and crossed his arms over his chest. "You realize that now you have to tell me."

"I was at a party in college, and I was making out with this guy. We were both drunk, so we ended up in his room, but I slept in his roommate's bed." Alice groaned. "So, a couple days later, my whole…area was really itchy, and um, I checked it out, and apparently this guy's roommate had crabs because there were these little brown specks moving around down there."

Hatter covered his mouth with his hands. "Oh, bullocks."

"Yeah, I mean, I went to the doctor. I had to shave off all the hair there." Alice shuddered. "Never again, and it was so red, and itchy afterwards with the hair growing back…blech."

"I think sometimes you stories are more…colorful than mine," he commented.

"Oh." Alice chuckled. "I doubt that."

"Well, lets see, shall we? What's the final score?"

She pulled up the calculator on the computer. "Give me a minute. Lets see…um…mine is one hundred and nine dollars, and twenty cents, and yours is…fuck."

Hatter climbed over next to her. "What?"

"One hundred and ninety five dollars, and five cents," Alice whispered.

"Yes!" Hatter shouted. He jumped off the couch, and started to energetically run around the room. "Yes! I won! I won!"

"Actually, this means that you're kind of a man whore," she replied.

"I'm your man whore, and naked nap time!" he exclaimed. Hatter reached down, and scooped her up. "I'm thinking…some toe sucking should be first."

"Oh, god!"

"And, I should go down on you some more to eliminate all traces of Jack."

Alice grinned. "I think I forgot to tell you what Jack could do to my nipples."

Hatter's eyes darkened. "Oh, really?" He kicked the bedroom door open, and ungraciously dropped Alice on the bed. "Well," Hatter tossed his hat to the floor, "I think I should start there then, yeah?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Whew! So, that ends that little journey! Thank you Brumeier for suggesting I write this, and thank you everyone for reading and reviewing. Up next…a little short story about Hatter, Alice, and….yoga. <strong>


End file.
